My Own Personal Hell
by Shawn Christensen
...three pills, a quarter inch in orange-brown length, and
downed with a swallow of warm beer. smash the empty
brown bottle on the hardwood table in the smoky rear section
of the dark, deafening bar. sit alone at a battered table that has
been the breaking point of numerous brown bottles - the pills
are down. stomach turns and make it through the mobs of
screaming drunks and seas of greasy hair and spit and leather
and booze to the bar. order a bottle of beer from the amazon
bartender who towers gargantuan above, each breast making
a mockery of the pitiful heads bowed over the bar - sets the
beer on the sticky bar and flashes her ham-hock thigh, nearly
shoulder high and gooey-pasty white. hikes her skirt up to her
navel. a tattoo sprawls out over the folds of her protruding
belly- a purple octopus shoots quivering tentacles out from her
abdomen - tentacles wrap around each naked thigh and curve,
snaking inward to her crotch. blink and follow looping
tentacles in a crazy whirling swirl. blink and tip a buck - anchor
at the bar. she walks away, blots out the flashing light - a neon
malt-liquor sign behind the bar - burning out. bum a smoke
from the kid in next stool at the bar. tear a match from a
cover-less matchbook, strike it to life in a quick flare of sulfur
smoke - bums nostrils. suck the flame into the tip - no filter -
draw the smoke in. exhale. spit on the filthy floor. think
smoke and filth and spit. see the multi-colored light curly-Q
across vision - shadow splatters black across the walls. taste
dry cottonmouth and slimy cottage-cheese textured saliva.
hear sounds get cloudy and fade into background - echoes from
far away somewhere below water. voices are muffled. think
mouth tastes like yogurt-vomit. think purple octopussy. smell
the urine and nicotine in the air - the heat and sweat of bodies
in leather rubbing against one another in the humid, gritty air -
the grinding of beef hide and grimy flesh. think neon
nightmare in vomitous daydream. in jarring discord of blaring
industrial noise, ears pop back and screech. see amazon throw
shirt upward and display bra-less breasts to man and woman
grinning carnivorously from bar-stools. takes shirt back down.
think leather and skin. think sweat and smoke. twirling madly
now, lights and faces twist and divide - the warped
kaleidoscope of eyes and lights and shattering glass-glow
igniting on the face of the cocaine amazon who dances jerkily
on the bar - smashes peanuts with stomping feet-. feel entire
room undulate and palpitate. bodies fly about dripping sweat
and saliva - screams from innumerable mouths emanate,
reverberate, shatter ears. amazon's nostrils shoot painful Light
into air, into eyes - eyes begin to bum and water - white chalky
film envelopes lenses. turn to the television near the ceiling of
the far other-world end of the room. inside the tube a man
shoves the barrel of a shotgun under a woman's jaw. in a
convenience store. man blows her brains out in a bloody splash
on marlboro packs and snickers bars. does same to old man
behind register. cringe at the reverberating images - exploding
skull, headless corpse. stomach turns and feel sweat roll from
forehead into eyes, swimming salty smoke-waves, lapping
over the bar. hold onto rail and ride smoking salt-waves to
crest and lunge toward the bathroom through scowling faces
full of cigarettes and pills, through pierced nostrils full of hair
and cocaine - nostrils flared and sucking smoke. push into less
thunderous pisser. floor breathing beneath - hold onto the
sink. spit white into musty, rust-tainted basin. thrust hands
under icy, beer-colored water. splash sizzling burning skin of
face - crystallizes stinging skin. step around comer to find
toilet - to sit. think lock the door. think sit and get head
together. move around moldy-tiled comer. see single
flickering bulb above obese, hairy man sitting on toilet tank,
eyes closed, frayed jeans around ankles. see woman with
gaudy, smearing make-up, sitting on toilet lid, resting her
greasy hair on the folds of his belly. woman turns and smiles -
turns back. man never opens eyes see that the toilet is
overflowing in urine / feces ! moldy stench - the two on the
toilet don't notice. leap through the doorway and out back to
alley. quiet hits like a night-stick. feel the cool air freeze sweat
into salty, rounded ice cubes on scalp. slump next to dumpster
amid cigarette butts and shattered brown beer bottles - smile
stupidly and think burning eyes. think burning octopus and
purple nostrils flared. bite gagging lurch in throat - eyes roll
and fall back in sockets...out... come to with shirt wet with
vomit. see what looks like slightly liquefied yellow tapioca
pudding - splattered on ground, on shirt. gag again and taste
pudding-vomit through throat and teeth and lips - turn over
and feel burning throat. feel stomach wretch and twist and
convulse. wonder will it ever stop. think pain tears through
guts. feel final lurch shoot yellow and acidic, red bloody over
dead tongue. head bobs on wobbly neck, falls forward into dirt
and...out...come to and light piercing white screams burning.
morning. feel muscles stiff and lift head from blood puddle -
vomit drips from lips and chin but no taste at all. lean against
dumpster. wipe mouth with shirt. stand, and steps follow each
other one at a time - feel foreign stiff legs pull from hips and
knees down broken sidewalk. think morning and burning light.
think purple light and amazon and pain in stomach. see the
fuzzy edges on trees and houses waver and bum liquid in
exploding sun, blurs of cars and busses. streets are sloppy with
road oil and grime - gutters clogged with aluminum cans and
big-mac wrappers. angry drivers crouch behind steering
wheels of wheezy blue-smoke-coughing cars. think can't see
beyond next comer. think one step follows the other. stumble
over patchy grass in direction of the impossible bright sun.
think one step follows. think can't see beyond the next corner...